you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
