i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
