So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
