Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Randomize
