I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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