my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
