I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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