Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
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