She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
