i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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