Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
