I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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