and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
