Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
