cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
