slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
