I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
