Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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