This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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