I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
