I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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