I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game