I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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