I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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