You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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