don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
