she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
