if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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