whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
