John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Blood and glitter go together right?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
