Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
