Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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