Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
