You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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