Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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