i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
You don't make any sense
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