i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
