Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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