i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Randomize
