you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
