He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
