so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
