so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
