Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
