The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
