I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
