The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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