Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
