So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
