My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
