walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
time to smoke my breakfast
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Randomize
