i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
