i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
