the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
How naked do you want me to be?
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