he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
