I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
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I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
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I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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